There are some things that I fight with my partner about; in fact, we are so much alike that on the rare occasions we do fight, it is exhausting and confusing. The most popular topic of debate is our differences in parenting.

I don’t want my love to ever feel powerless or incapable, but conflict arises when I, too, struggle with my own insecurities as a parent-in-training. There are no manuals that come with children, all parents have to help them are templates passed down to them by their own parents and caregivers. The mixed family has even more challenges, whether as a straight or LGBT family, having a new family member is a difficult adjustment.

Lesbian stepmother, what does that mean? Sometimes women will fall in love with women who already have children, either because they were conceived from a previous heterosexual relationship, or a previous lesbian union, or by adoption. Regardless, when a woman falls in love and enters into a relationship with a mother, she is not only committed to her but to her children.

Children are often dealing with the burden of their parents’ past; that is why it is difficult to accept a new member of the family. Children often face residual feelings of loss and abandonment. They are trying to understand situations outside of their

control, but for those who feel directly responsible. The reason children feel responsible is due to the developmental stages that human beings go through; when we are young we are self-centered. This means that everything that children feel is directly related to them, so they believe that they have control and power to change things.

According to some sources, it takes about two years for reconstituted families to gain stability. The journey to a healthy family can be challenging and overwhelming, yet the rewards are wonderful and joyful.

If your children were conceived in a heterosexual relationship, you must make it clear to your children that it was not their fault and that they were not responsible for the termination of the relationship. Sometimes family therapy is needed to communicate this message clearly to children and to allow negative emotions to come out in a safe environment.

Children often have the belief that their parents will get back together, even years later. This causes friction with a new partner and could lead to resentment in the child if left untreated. This is why it is important to practice patience, all the time! Nothing bothers me more than couples forcing their children to adjust to their time frame, forgetting that it is the duty of parents to meet their children’s needs first.

There are a few important steps when it comes to a new stepfather in a lesbian relationship:

• Have your partner gently develop a relationship with your child or children, perhaps as a friendship first.
• Avoid giving your partner a disciplinary role at first, as trust and attachment must develop.
• Keep your partner out of the conflicts you have with your ex.
• Neither of you should speak negatively of your ex in front of your children; it is hurtful and extremely harmful. No matter what your ex does, it’s important to remember that you don’t have to act like him to prove something. Set your own standards when dealing with conflict, and that includes keeping your children as far away from negative communication as possible.
• When enough time passes, allow him to be a couple to be a parent. That means putting aside some of your motherly duties. Let her take control to develop a parenting role with your child. For example, at my house we alternate nights putting our son to bed. We have our own bedtime rituals and ways to calm her to sleep.
• As a stepparent, you must develop your own independent relationship with the child, perhaps even sharing a similar interest. My partner loves the outdoors, and when it comes to swimming, fishing, and gardening, the two of them have fun (I’m the indoor mom! Who likes to read and draw).
• Do not discuss parenting in front of your children, it is confusing and they will feel like they have to take sides.
• Don’t force your child to call his partner “mom” or any other motherly nickname.
• Allow your partner to have parental responsibilities, such as picking up the child from school or preparing lunches. At my house, my partner makes school lunches, because our baby says the best about her, but I tell the best stories.
• Most importantly, be patient with each other and remember to be consistent in what you say and do. Children are sensitive and if the pattern of daily life changes, anxiety increases.

Being a parent is difficult, but I feel like being a stepparent is even more challenging. It takes strength to swallow your pride often and change for a child or children with no guarantees that it will be positive or lasting. However, I ask that you stay focused on the present, keeping in mind the goal you want to achieve with your new family and appreciating all the steps forward that you take with them by your side.

Alex Karydi – The Lesbian Guru

Dedicated to my beautiful partner and daughter, who never fails to make me smile. I love you.