Toxic soulmates: are they adorable?

Have you ever met someone you thought was your soulmate only to find out that yes, that person is your soulmate, but is also toxic? Just because you’ve met someone who fits the profile of a toxic soulmate doesn’t mean that your only option is to leave that person. I’ll tell you why in a minute.

I have clients who tell me that they met a great boy or girl, but had to end the relationship because the new love was too toxic. Has this happened to you? Expect! Before closing the door on someone who might turn out to be a perfectly lovable person, listen to this: There is a simple psychology that can turn a toxic partner into a loving soulmate. Toxic soulmates and toxic dates are adorable. You just have to know how to help them in a non-threatening way.

In this article, I’ll show you, using a case study and questions about effective relationships, how you can turn a relationship with a toxic soulmate into a healthy and long-lasting one.

When men or women have had a bad experience, they sometimes hold onto emotional pain and may even bring up their experience during a date or other time when they are with their current love interest. Nobody wants to date or be in the company of someone when they have to hear the person chatter over and over again about how bad men are or how conceited women are. However, it is important to realize that complaints are often a cry for love and attention: human beings are more fragile than we often realize. For others, it is simply a form of venting, and if allowed to vent, the person can overcome their anger or disappointment and be able to have a long and healthy relationship.

Be patient. Try walking in the shoes of your soulmate or your date. How would you like to be treated if you had been abused or taken advantage of in a previous love affair and then abandoned? Not a great feeling, is it? Don’t leave the person who could be your soulmate until you’ve done your part by truly listening to find out what the problem is, and then offering additional love and support. If nothing seems to work, consider your own health and wellness, and then leave it to the person if that is indeed the best option.

But often the toxic partner can change if you are willing to help her do so. If your soulmate is too toxic to love and be with, if your date is nothing more than poison on two legs, do not despair, there is light at the end of the tunnel. The experience I will share below will show you how you can help the person heal.

A client came to see me and told me how difficult it was for her to meet the right man. According to her, she had met a man she loved, but their relationship did not turn into a marriage as she expected. Confused and discouraged, she told me that she was worried that she would never find the right man. This woman seemed kind and sincere, and she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever had as a client. She was exotic and sensual, full of sex appeal. But men would not stay with her.

I started the counseling session with a simple request: Tell me how you feel about dating and relationships and about finding your soulmate. She started:

Client: Men are idiots. They just want sex. They don’t care about women.

Me: Why do you say that?

Client: Because every time I meet a man and we have a relationship, we always end up breaking up. I worry about getting old and not having children.

Me: How is that? Are you saying that just because the men you’ve met so far didn’t turn out to be what you wanted them to be, that all men are the same?

Customer: Yes, they are. I am so sick of men; I don’t want to waste my time dating anymore. Not worth it.

Me: But if you feel like this and say that kind of thing, what do you think will happen?

Client: Won’t I find the man I’m ultimately looking for?

Me: You have it. You will block any opportunity you have to meet the type of man you want to be with, who will satisfy your needs, the type of man you want to be with forever. What concerns me is, how do you know that the next person you exclude is not your soulmate? What do you think you need to do to find that person, Efa?

Efa: Give men a chance?

Me: Bingo. What kind of man are you looking for?

Efa: I don’t want a boy to take me to the movies or to dinner. I want a man who likes to go out somewhere and just sit and talk. I want to be stimulated intellectually.

Me: What kind of conversation do you have with the men you’ve dated? It goes something like this: “Men only want sex.”

Efa: Yes, it’s true. Men just want sex.

Me: Has it ever occurred to you that maybe your dates go away because you are too critical of men and tell them that all they want is sex?

Efa thought for a minute. I could see that he was beginning to understand what he was trying to explain to her. Then I continued our conversation.

Me: So if you met someone who could meet your needs, you would fall in love with him, wouldn’t you?

Immediately, Efa looked at me and smiled. His teeth were pure white and he had the most beautiful smile.

I said, “Have you tried auditioning for America Next Top Model?” Efa informed me that several people had asked her the same question.

When we finally finished the session, I reinforced the principle that she shouldn’t judge all men as bad by just a few she had met who had left her, and that she should stop telling her current love interest that all men are idiots. But that she must treat men as if they were wonderful, and then she would find a wonderful man.

In the conversation recounted above, it is obvious what the woman wanted. She did not want a relationship based simply on sex. She was looking to connect with a man on a different level, a higher level. She was looking for a soul mate with whom she could build a lasting relationship.

When you are on a date, if you meet someone who you feel is your soulmate but the person is toxic, enter the mind of the date or soulmate and discover two things:

First, what is it that really bothers the person? And second, what does the person really need and how can you meet their needs to make a lasting loving relationship possible between the two of you?

By asking the important questions above and then really listening to your partner’s responses and being understanding, patient, and working to meet their needs, you can help a toxic date or soulmate become a lovable person to you.

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