Relationship conflict: the 3 Cs of resolving a conflict

“And they live happily ever after ……….”

Yeah right.

Maybe I’m a little tired, since I work all day with couples in conflict.

On the other hand, conflict reaches even the healthiest marriages.

It’s just that we seem so unprepared to handle conflict. We know in our heads that “happily ever after” is true only in pretty stories and tales, but in our hearts we long for it to be true.

In the best of all possible worlds, we would be well prepared to handle conflict before we get married. My experience in my office tells me that this is not the case for most couples.

Part of the reason for this is that there are many things in a marital relationship that can cause conflict. I have written before about what are called the Big Six, the six main areas of conflict in marriage.

The big six are the areas of communication, money, sex, children, in-laws, and religion. Maybe we should call it the Big Seven and add the bigger question of who can hold the TV remote.

I’m not kidding, I’ve actually had couples fighting over this issue. I’ve even had them fighting over the age-old problem of how to hang the toilet paper roll, above or below. When I suggested that when you consider what you’ll use toilet paper for, it doesn’t really matter, it seemed to clear up the issue.

Humor contributes greatly to conflict resolution.

Having said all that, let’s look at some specific ways to handle conflict in marriage. This is called the three Cs of conflict resolution and they stand for Compromise, Coexistence, and Capitulation.

Commitment

“A compromised would surely help the situation.” – 10CC

Compromise is clearly the optimal solution to the conflict. The problem arises when couples approach conflict as a win-win situation, making it very difficult to compromise. It is simply human nature to want to be right, which is why we approach conflict resolution from a right or wrong perspective.

What this usually leads to is one person getting their way or having their needs met at the other person’s expense. While this may work for a while, it eventually leads to bitterness and resentment.

Engagement, on the other hand, becomes a win-win situation. A couple approaches conflict resolution from the perspective of a teammate / partner. Basically, there are three key ingredients to commit; 1) each one gives a little,

2) each person meets as many needs as possible, and 3) each person works for the good of the relationship, not for their own wishes.

Capitulation

“Let’s try it your way.” – An experienced and wise spouse

I can hear it now. “But isn’t capitulation just giving in and being codependent with someone?” It can be, if it is done regularly over time. During the course of a marriage, or any long-term relationship, there are times when the best thing to do is to try it the other way around.

The capitulating partner comes from a place that basically says, “Our relationship and our happiness are more important to me than this topic. Let’s try it your way.”

That is not codependency, it is cooperation.

Coexist

“It’s just you and me and we just don’t agree.” – Dave Mason

There are times in marriage when each spouse feels strong enough about their beliefs or position that they cannot move or side with the other person.

Certainly, there are some problems in the marriage where this could signal the end of the relationship.

However, in many circumstances, couples can simply agree to disagree and move on. They learn to “coexist” on the subject at hand.

I know of many couples who have taken this path on various issues and continue to have very strong marriages. What can happen over time, after space is given for each to have their say, the spouses can come to a compromise. Even if couples remain in a position of coexistence on one issue, they can still have a solid marriage.

Conflict in marriage is inevitable. Successful conflict management involves a healthy and balanced combination of compromise, capitulation, and coexistence skills. It doesn’t matter how you hang the toilet paper.

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